


It Feels Like Rape

by Hedon



Category: Pocket Monsters: Sun & Moon | Pokemon Sun & Moon Versions
Genre: Depression, Drinking, Other, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-26
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-12-07 11:06:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11622258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hedon/pseuds/Hedon
Summary: Manipulation comes with a pretty face.





	It Feels Like Rape

Not quite choking, not quite drowning. Not quite apathy, not quite anger. The numbness is what gets to you after a while. Do you listen to the lies they told you or the lies you told yourself? Which ones were worse? 

Her silk sheets felt like sandpaper on prickling wounds, deep gashes running down his back. She would throw a fit when she saw the stains. That would be like her too, cut your throat and then complain when you bleed on her shoes. It was so tense around her now, like any move could be a wrong one. It was playing with matches until she got what she wanted and she always did...she always did. 

The hardest part was reliving all your regrets morning after morning, rolling out of her bed and staring at the wall because you can’t bear to look at her for some reason. Why did she scare you so much? Why does the thought of her hands on your skin make your guts crawl? It didn’t used to, but you can’t say you were jumping for joy either. 

19 was a good age. Still technically a teenager but just enough an adult to get what you want. World at yer finger tips… unless you were on your own and broke as shit. She had wafted into your life like an angel on the breeze. You couldn’t believe her when she said she was over 30. She showered you in gifts and compliments when everyone else saw a punk and thug hanging with all your small time thug buddies and your newest babe. Though could you really call her that? Much as you like her she doesn't seem too hot on you. What a shame too, so comfortable with her. So warm and familiar. You’ve known Plum for years and yet somehow you just can’t make it work. Not the way you want. 

It made it so much easier when she drifted in. 

“Lusamine.” 

“You can call me Luz.” 

When she said that it was like watching the plates shatter. Her porcelain face because very human in that moment and for a second you thought maybe she was just as vulnerable as you. At first it was all rainbows and sunshine wasn’t it? She gave you everything. Money for you and your friends, to help more kids just like you. Call it a charitable endeavor.

Maybe she got jealous, she seemed like the type to get jealous easy...but you were always so busy with your new pals, gaining momentum and a name for yourself. You were getting stronger every day! At least it felt like it, turning from a boy into a man.

She wasn’t getting what she wanted from you anymore. Sure you started doing her favors around town. She always had a pretty good reason for it, so what was little bit of back scratching between buddies? The queen deserved everything she wanted for what she was giving them. For what she was giving YOU. All those things you had so desperately wanted to feel you felt in her. Like the mom you never had.

She wanted more. 

It wasn’t like you hadn’t done this kind of thing before but this was the last place you expected it to happen. Somehow it didn’t settle right in your gut. The sterile room, the music, hell she had even poured wine. You gotta give her points for class but what she was asking just sank into your skin like ice in water. Something about it felt like venom in your veins. 

“L-Lusamine you don’t wanna waste your time, trust me. Ain’t you marri-”

“Call me Luz.”

It had shut you up hadn’t it? She was human again and it was just the break she needed. She poured you full of syrup and misery. Spoon fed you sob stories about being alone and lonely. 

You love her don’t you?

You care about her don’t you?

What about what I did for you?

Isn’t that proof? 

Why can’t you stand to see her so disappointed in you? Why do you look up to her so much? Suddenly something you had once done as naturally as breathing felt like drowning. Her skin felt like plastic in your hands and everything tasted of sand. It was like everything in your body had shut down. Your mind left your body leaving nothing but a hollow shell to give her what she wanted. 

She couldn't even let you have that. She had to take you back in again and again.

Biting, clawing, scratching. Her hands felt like a ghost on your body, even when you tried to keep her from touching you. Somehow they felt so wrong during the act and kissing her made you feel sick. It was all so unnatural. The first time was always the hardest. She swore you to it was just a lapse in judgment… she wasn’t ready to leave her husband. 

All that for nothing. All that to just play a character in her melodrama. There was a certain level of emptiness to you when you slept hat night. All dreams felt shallow and except for her approval everything else felt empty. 

When she called to apologize you felt ecstatic. 

Until she asked youto come over again. It became a ritual. Lather rinse repeat. Shed touch you until she felt she had gotten what she wanted. It would feel like a phantom in your body while you floated somewhere around mars. Why is looking in the mirror so hard. 

Why is seeing yourself so hard? Because you don’t know who you’re looking at. You wouldn’t let someone do that to you. Make you do nothin’ you didn’t want. You’re Big bad Guzma! You’re the boss! You run this show! 

Until she calls again. 

You really thought you were fucked when she said she was pregnant didn’t you? You assumed the worst and some how it was even more disgusting when you found out they weren’t yours. Somehow thought of sharing her body with her ignorant husband made you want to vomit...and you did. It had just made you so sick. 

How did you end up back here again? 

Bleeding on her sheets again. You always said yes, you never said no. You heard your voice say yes. You’re only doing this to yourself right? Ain’t nobody getting hurt? Then why does it feel like you’re already dead?

When shes got you all used up inside and whats worse is nobody would believe you. you’re not only her little secret, everything you have is hinged on her bein’ happy with you. 

You got a family dependin’ on you. 

She was a beautiful wealthy woman and you were some street punk, you should have been grateful for this experience, this chance. Always seeking the love of a parent in the wrong places, nothing can be innocent anymore. That was gone a long time ago. 

You’re so afraid to admit

It feels like rape.


End file.
